Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
