based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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