she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
