do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize