She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
