FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
be right there i have to get my cape
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
