i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
