i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
