apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You dont lie about slip and slides
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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