are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
