my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
