im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
