Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
