last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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