I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
