Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We had to coat check the pizza.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
