Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
