You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
