Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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