You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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