So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
