My nipple is on Facebook.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
