I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
