Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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