I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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