I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
