4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
