Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
