I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
