my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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