Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
