Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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