I'm gonna have a badass scar
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
50% drunk capacity currently
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
