The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
