Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
