I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize