You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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