i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
