Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
