just come out here and I will go home with you...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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