Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
