I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
