Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
