i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We have started to decorate penises.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
