i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
