I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
