so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
