Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize