i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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