The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
His nipple licking is glorious
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