I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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