You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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