You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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