I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize