One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
