he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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