thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
